Whining about the Internet and stupid people on it


An Open Letter to the Internet

Dear Internet:

We’ve had some good times. We’ve had some bad times. We’ve had some times where you decided to drop shock images on my monitor and dumped viruses into my hard drive. I love you for who you are, I really do.

But please. There’s this one little thing you do that irks me. And it’s not the pop-up ads anymore, I’ve got those taken care of.

It’s the dollar sign.

See, you haven’t learned yet that the dollar sign goes before the number. Here, let me show you:

The dollar sign goes BEFORE the number. Please, for the love of God, we all know “dollars” is said after the number, but don’t express your money like this:

…it’s supposed to be like this.

NOT after the number. And most certainly not this:

Hello, redundancy much?

Let’s just stick to the formula.

The dollar sign goes before the number.

The dollar sign goes BEFORE the number.

THE DOLLAR SIGN GOES BEFORE THE NUMBER!

Man, if you can’t express your money right, you shouldn’t be allowed to handle it. If you know of anyone who has the delusion that, for some reason, the dollar sign goes somewhere after the number, you may want to point them to these handy diagrams. It’s a serious disease and needs to be treated immediately. These are also the sorts of people that leave CAPS LOCK ON, and think you can type LOL when you’re not really laughing out loud, the liars.

Please. Save the brain cells of the smarter population. Put the dollar sign before the number.

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SOMETIMES, ON THE INTERNET, PEOPLE FORGET TO TURN OFF THEIR CAPS LOCK KEY. THIS IS AN HONEST MISTAKE THAT ANYONE CAN MAKE. HOWEVER, IT GIVES THEM THE IMPRESSION OF SHOUTING.

THIS IS PLAYING DICE, REMINDING YOU THAT JULY SIXTH IS INTERNATIONAL “CHECK YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY” DAY. HAVE YOU LEFT YOUR CAPS LOCK ON FOR THE PAST YEAR AND NOT NOTICED IT?

SYMPTOMS OF THIS PROBLEM MAY INCLUDE:

  • LOOKING LIKE MORE OF AN ASSHOLE THAN USUAL. CAPS LOCK TAKES A MAGNIFYING GLASS TO THE ASSHOLE INSIDE YOU. (YES EVEN YOU, YOU GOODY-TWO-SHOES BRAT. BY THE WAY, NOBODY LIKES YOU ANYWAY.)
  • STRAINED KEYBOARD. IS YOUR KEYBOARD SORE? MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN SHOUTING ON IT ALL THE DAMN TIME!
  • RUNNING OUT OF CAPITAL LETTERS MORE QUICKLY THAN USUAL. IF YOU FIND YOURSELF LACKING CAPITAL LETTERS, IT’S BECAUSE YOU’VE USED THEM ALL UP ALREADY. IDIOT.
  • CAPS LOCK LIGHT ON. OBVIOUSLY, YOU DIMWIT.

SO PLEASE, REMEMBER TO CHECK YOUR CAPS LOCK TOMORROW.

CAPS LOCK FACT OF THE DAY: TYPING IN ALLCAPS WILL NOT HELP A BLIND PERSON HEAR YOU. TYPING IN FONT SIZE 30 OR MORE, HOWEVER, WILL.

I’m a religious person myself, but I don’t see the need to get all riled up about a lolcat-based image.

Take a look at this:


I thought it was pretty clever, myself. But that’s not the funny part. The funny part comes from reading the comments posted on it.

I think rakudave should have distinguished between (a)people killed by God, (b) people killed in the name of God, and (c) people killed by the Israelites who claimed that God told them to kill.

The idea behind a joke is that it’s quick and to the point. Some would say funny, even. It doesn’t have to be accurate.

God killed the people during the flood that were under the influence of Satan so it’s Satan’s fault that God killed them.

Nobody cares.

… At best, giving the person the benefit of the doubt, this is a successful attempt at division. At worst, it is a slap in the face to over a billion people who follow Christianity, Judaism and Islam. …

Yeah, somebody made a joke chart with the intent of dividing the atheists from the religious. You can almost imagine the guy sitting there, giggling to himself, plotting his world domination. “Oh, I’ll split them all up,” he laughs, “divide and conquer, don’t you know! Now, how to do it… I won’t make a book, no, that’s too simple, they’ll be expecting that… I’ve got it! I’ll make a lolcat graph! That’ll show them!”

In reality, this graph is scanned from a book – it’s not even user-made, and the book isn’t out to bash religion, it’s out to bash everything. There, now everyone’s bashed equally, no divisions to worry about.

I can see the attempt at humor, but his graph falls short of the wit and cleverness of the others I have seen. It seems as though the composer of this graph was merely looking to make an inflammatory statement to see how the general public would react.
Its a shame that said composer had to resort to insulting the religious beliefs of others to garner a little attention and kudos as opposed to using his candor and imagination.

So, humor should never be used to make a statement? Creativity isn’t allowed to make the general public think?

I pray for the stupid people.

See, this is what I don’t understand. If God is so almighty and powerful, how is he going to feel threatened by a picture on the Internet? And if “The Truth” really can speak for itself, why do people feel the need to argue for it? Doesn’t add up.

Yes, that’s right, June is Internet Safety Month. I just got the e-mail from i-SAFE.

June is Internet Safety Month, a month devoted to increasing awareness about safe and responsible online behavior.

Who knew? It’s Internet Safety Month – hold on a minute, this sounds familiar. Oh yeah, look at that, I did a blog post on this already. Silly me. That’s weird, though, because I just got the e-mail…

Oh. Ah-ha.

They sent it out twice.

Nice going, geniuses. You’re the company that’s trying to keep us safe from the horrors of the Internet, and you’re the ones spamming our inboxes!

Actually, now that I think about it, wasn’t there something I saw during my i-SAFE training about not giving out e-mail addresses? And what do they do? Ask me for an e-mail address before I even sign up to watch the videos to learn not to give out my e-mail address.

It’s a scam, I tell you, a scam!

These Are Links:

Yes, that’s right, June is Internet Safety Month. I just got the e-mail from i-SAFE.

June is Internet Safety Month, a month devoted to increasing awareness about safe and responsible online behavior.

Who knew? It’s Internet Safety Month, where you can learn to be protected from shock sites, phishing scams, AND REALLY FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE THAT COULD TURN YOUR FUCKING BRAIN INTO FUCKING COTTAGE CHEESE! YOU DICK, YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT INTERNET SAFETY MONTH, DID YOU? WANKER!

You won’t have to worry about being on the Internet again. During Internet Safety Month:

  • All porn sites will be shut down. Yes, that’s right. Looks like the subscribers are going to have to resort to embarrassing themselves by walking into a bookstore and buying the porn.
  • All phishing sites will be required to state clearly that they are out to get your password. Don’t worry about losing your password again! All phishing sites will have a clear warning put on them. On some i-SAFE compatible sites, you can even check which sorts of spam you want!
  • All people who enter the word “fuck” or any other curse word into Google Search will be immediately shot. To help ensure your safety, we can’t have all these perverts running around searching nasty things on Google search. Thanks to Google technology, we can now use Google Earth to locate and destroy the offender. You’ll be much safer with these terrible people out of the world.
  • All chatrooms will be monitored by 40-year-old, concerned mothers. It may even be yours. Using this method, i-SAFE hopes to guilt all chatroom goers into saying nothing they wouldn’t want their mother to hear.
  • Pirates will be disemboweled.
  • Pedophiles will be asked to kindly cease and desist, and perhaps take a cold shower, maybe even try a dating service.
  • RickRollers will meet death by hungry lion. Actually, that doesn’t sound too bad.
  • Websense will up its sensors. With any luck, 99.99% of the Internet will be blocked from schools. The other .01% will consist of weather.com, the “Frog” page on Wikipedia, and anything else allowed in China.
  • All webpages will be required to change their formatting to up the padding around the text. More padding = safer. Common knowledge.

But really, what’s the easiest way to stay safe on the Internet? i-SAFE recommends “Just don’t do it. Firewalls can break. AntiVirus programs sometimes don’t work, and you can get infected. The safest way is to just never do it at all. Concerned about losing your social life? Use the postal system.”

You can’t be FUCKING safe on the Internet, you ASSHOLES. It’s called “use common sense”.

Possibly unsafe, harmful link! Please put on your i-SAFE rubber gloves before clicking.

  • Maddox on Websense – a great article to read when you’ve just spent a good hour banging your head against that damn “blocked” page.

I have nothing against Wikipedia. It might be run by losers who have nothing better to do but develop new rules as a way to follow the old rules. It might have the world’s biggest recorded case of copyright paranoia. It might have less poetic voice than a man with his vocal chords violently ripped out by a pack of dogs. But it’s got to be the world’s best way to waste time.

See, everyone wants to waste time and do something useful simultaneously. It seems contradictory, which it is, but like all contradictory human desires, it makes perfect sense until someone points it out. As kids, we used to have this seemingly impossible wish granted by “Educational Television”, where you sat and vegetated in front of a TV set – but you were learning something.

Wikipedia is “Educational Internet”. Between the Random Page button and those wonderful, wonderful blue links, it provides endless distractions from whatever paper you were supposed to be working on. At the same time, though, you’re learning something! Okay, so that’s bullshit for the most part, but at least it feels like it and that’s all that matters.

Here’s an article I stumbled across: Rhyming slang. Wikipedia defines it as “a form of slang in which a word is referred to by another word or term that rhymes with it“. Looking in the article, it seems more like “a form of slang that anyone can add to, despite having little creative talent or understanding of the original term involved”. Sounds kind of like Wikipedia.

Take a look at the examples if you like. Here’s my personal addition to rhyming slang: A dollar is now a “turtle”. How? Why, turtle = turtleneck collar = dollar. Can I borrow a turtle?

We at Playing Dice (that is, myself and my other personalities, except for Davis, he’s lazy and does nothing but sit around watching the subconscious) have investigated, out of sheer boredom, what the most annoying thing on the Internet is.

Is it the infamous “Hampster” Dance, with its frustrating de’s and da’s echoing through your head? Is it that damned Peanut Butter Jelly Time banana? Is it the <marquee> tag?

Oh my God, I hate the marquee tag. If I were to design my own Hell, the makers of the marquee tag would be forever strapped on a conveyor belt, shifting back and forth. The Internet, contrary to popular belief, is not supposed to have things that move! It stays still so you can read it! I don’t buy books that have flashy pictures or moving text. Then again, maybe comparing the Internet to a book isn’t such a good idea. At least pop-ups in books are fun.

Where was I? Oh yes. Annoying things. I’m not even going to mention the Crazy Frog, because everybody knows that. Besides, it’s not the most annoying ringtone in the world. The most annoying ringtone in the world is, hands down, the mosquito ringtone, guaranteed to pass straight through your eardrums and slowly break down your neurons. It might be undetectable by adults, but it’s sure to piss off your friends.

Disputably the most annoying and coolest thing on the Internet is something very simple.

˙ʇxǝʇ uʍop-ǝpısdn

Some of you non-unicode-enhanced losers might see that thing above this paragraph as a bunch of boxes. Well, stop reading, you lucky (or unlucky) people. But there it is. Did it piss you off? ¿sıɥʇ ʇnoqɐ ʍoɥ What ɟı I pǝʇɐuɹǝʇlɐ it ɹoɟ a ǝlʇʇıl bit?

The other annoying bits of the Internet – for instance, the RickRoll, the Hampster Dance, and so on – require you to click on a link. But upside-down text can invade anywhere, anytime! In an IM conversation, a Facebook comment, even in the middle of a blog.

PREPARE TO BE ANNOYED.

The Internet continues to produce new and more annoying things every moment, so this blog is likely outdated before I even finish the last sentence. To circumvent this seemingly inevitable occurrence, I just won’t finish the last

Blue things you click on that take you to magical places:

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