Painfully obvious spacefiller


From the Wikipedia donations page:

Jack Wesson
I gave $7 to a bum today, figured I could at least give money to Wikipedia.

Good thinking.

Yes, I’ve done it a second time. My procrastination has caught up with me. Thus, the next section of the story has been delayed, because I’ve written myself into a corner as usual. If you’re wondering what happens next, let it be known you’re not alone, because so am I.

In the meantime, I’m going to spit out this bit of Adams at you, just because it buys me more time. Incidentally, it describes a lot about writing I wish I could describe, but really, it’s because it’s buying me time. Don’t be fooled.

Douglas Adams on writing:

Writing comes easy. All you have to do is stare at a blank piece of paper until your forehead bleeds.

I find it ludicriously difficult. I try and avoid it if at all possible. The business of buying new pencils assumes gigantic proportions. I have four word processors and spend a lot of time wondering which one to work on. All writers, or most, say they find writing difficult, but most writers I know are surprised at how difficult I find it.

I usually get very depressed when writing. It always seems to me that writing coincides with terrible crises breaking up my life. I used to think these crises had a terrible effect on my being able to write; these days I have a very strong suspicion that it’s the sitting down to write that precipitates the crises. So quite a lot of troubles tend to get worked out in the books. It’s usually below the surface. It doesn’t appear to tackle problems at a personal levle, btu it does, implicitly, even if not explicitly.

I’m not a wit. A wit says something funny on the spot. A comedy writer says something very funny two minutes later. Or in my case, two weeks later.

I don’t think I could do a serious book anyway. I’m sure that jokes would start to creep in. I actually do think that comedy is a serious business: when you are working on something you have to take it absolutely seriously; you have to be passionately committed to it. But you can’t maintain that if you are going to stay sane. So when I talk about it to other people I tend to be flippant about it. I’m always so glad to have got through it, I say “It’s just jokes.” It’s a relief.

What I do now on many occasions is have, say, an inconsequential idea for a throwaway line that seems quite neat, then I go to huge lengths to create the context in which to throw that line away and make it appear that it was just a throwaway line, when in fact you’ve constructed this huge edifice off which to chuck this line. It’s a really exhausting way of writing but when it works…

It’s these kind of effects that take an awful lot of engineering, when you don’t necessarily know what the answer is going to be, you are just thrashing around in the dark trying to find something somewhere that’s going to help you get to that point. And when you are operating within a convention which says (or seems to say) “anything goes,” you have to be extremely careful how you use that.

–Douglas Adams, as quoted in Don’t Panic, p. 99-100

The unspoken rule of writers: If you can’t express it, someone who’s dead probably did, and they won’t mind all that much if you nick it, so long as you stick some quotation marks around it and write their name at the bottom.

Really. I’m just at my family’s shore house, and I’m working on the next story, Roads. Part I will be up midnight EST, Saturday night/Sunday morning, I promise.

I know this. I recognize this. So I’ve decided to make it up to you with this bonus post.

A bonus post? Wow!

Yeah, I know, it’s the most exciting thing you’ve seen all day. I’m sure that you stopped by this site expecting just the regular 10am post, and instead found this secret bonus noon post!

It’s not very secret, is it? I mean, it’s on the front page…

Don’t be a smartass. I’m giving you this bonus post. Don’t question the bonus post.

Do I get anything?

What, a bonus post isn’t enough for you? Fine. Give yourself 500 points. Use them wisely.

And now for the actual content: An eight-second video clip of a young boy crashing into a wall

It’s true. I just love to make fun of things, whether I like them or not.

For those of you who haven’t checked the page lately, this is another post in a series of posts where I’ve dumped all the stuff from my typing class onto my blog. So here’s the last part of our “summer camp” assignment: The newsletter.


Camp Jesus has been declared a success for the 15th straight year. Camp Jesus, named “the biggest miracle since the Resurrection” by priests everywhere, has had another fantastic year. Camp Jesus wishes to thank all its teachers, students, and God for the inspiration.

“It was a miracle for me,” said Johnny Bentham, 8. “At first I was like, well, Jesus is cool. Then I went to Camp Jesus and found out he’s awesome.” God Himself spoke to Johnny during a prayer class, and now Johnny can hear God “all the time”.

“He says things to me like what the weather’s going to be like tomorrow, or tells me to listen to a song and then plays it for me! Funny part is, I think He was talking to me all the time, but I wasn’t listening like Mommy says I should.” When asked if God was speaking to him right now, he said, “Naw, I can’t hear Him now. I can only hear Him near the radio.”

Another child with a life-altering experience was a little girl named Julie. Twelve-year-old Julie always dreamed of being a scientist, but Camp Jesus showed her the error of her ways.

“Now I know gravity is just God’s hands pulling down on me,” she explains. “Wow, he must be like an octopus or something! It’s really cool. And the cold and flu and stuff are caused by demons. Except for AIDS. That’s caused by being gay.”

All of the kids discovered that they love Jesus, and that Jesus loves them. Teachers played educational yet fun games with them, the most popular one being “Stay out of Hell.”

“The game goes like this,” explains one of the teachers. “You find a hill. All of the kids start at the top of the hill. Then the teachers shouts out something, like, ‘disrespecting your parents,’ and the kids have to raise their hand if they think it’s a sin. If they’re wrong, they go further down the hill, deeper into ‘Hell’. Although some of the kids figured out the trick, that everything’s a sin, even ‘being born’.”

Once again, Camp Jesus has proven itself to be not only a good time, but an educational time. Camp Jesus teaches your kids the fundamentals of being a fundamentalist.

Little Timmy, 7, summarized it best: “God loves me. That’s totally cool.”

If you want God to love your child, send money to Camp Jesus.

Send your child to Camp Jesus next year! We’re sure to have a good time in July 2009. Need more information? Check out our website at:
http://www.campjesus.org

Or e-mail us at:
jesuscamps@gmail.com

See you at Camp Jesus… or see you in Hell!

If you didn’t read the blog post before the blog post before this one, go read that blog post now. If you get lost, ask one of the monkeys for directions. Alternatively, one of the Internet tubes may be clogged. If that’s the case, just use a plunger.

The third part of our “summer camp” assignment involved making a flyer:

…if you missed my last post, go back and read it.

Our next assignment for our summer camp was to create a schedule. Here was Camp Jesus’s.

Camp Jesus – Schedule

Class

Day

Time

Room

Teacher

Basic Converting

Monday

4:00pm

104

Janice Beck

Beginning Prayer

Tuesday

10:00am

111

Greg Nguyen

What Would Jesus Do?:

An introduction to performing miracles

Wednesday

3:00pm

101

Allen Rivoli

10 Ways to Get to Hell Fast

Thursday

2:00pm

106

Lisa Anwar

Painting with Jesus

Friday

11:00am

120

Bob Ross

Science and Other Common Myths

Saturday

2:30pm

124

Aidan Kearny

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