It came from IRC


Ever wonder just how much people can get riled up over nothing at all? Well, you’re about to find out.

Uncyclopedia, the content-free parody of Wikipedia that anyone can edit, has at some point decided to deem Telford a “chav magnet”. What is Telford, you ask? I have no bloody idea. Look it up on Wikipedia and tell me. I’m completely ignorant on the background of Telford and damned proud of it.

What I do know about Telford is this: People there can’t take a joke, even a poor one. The thing about Uncyclopedia being an editable website is, magically, anyone can edit it. Crazy shit huh? Yes, that means any moron can go on Uncyclopedia, click “edit”, and write something entirely unfunny. Then again, it also means they can write something hilarious. You have to take the bad with the good.

Clearly, at some point in the past, someone (doesn’t matter who) edited the “Telford” article and labeled it a “chav magnet”. Considering this is a parody website that no one is to take seriously, a website that clearly deals in misinformation, humor, and generally lying to the reader’s face in the hopes of getting a chuckle, the people of Telford just shrugged it off, right?

Wrong.

Instead, they had to take personal offense to a simple statement that could have come out of any idiot’s mouth. Here’s some examples.

Civic leaders in Telford have retaliated after cyberpests published a stinging online slur against the town.

A “stinging online slur”? How long have you been on the Internet? “Cyberpests”? People that are trying to entertain others are now “cyberpests”? And lastly, “retaliated”? What are you going to do, prove this mysterious editor wrong, show him the error of his ways, and get the “slur” corrected?

It’s the Internet. You can’t fight it. Calm the hell down.

But that’s only the beginning.

The Telford it describes is not a place I recognise. It’s a good, friendly place and whoever wrote this rubbish knows nothing of our town or the people who live here.

–Councillor Gary Davies

No kidding. Since when do people have to know what they’re talking about to post something on the Internet? Look at Wikipedia, for heaven’s sake.

Some members of our community, inside and outside Dawley, will have you believe that Dawley has no or little positive attributes, but I think this group goes to show that those of us who have been brought up in the area are proud of where we come from, and regardless of where we go or settle will still sing the praises of a town which has a strong community base.

–Councillor Shaun Williams

…but obviously not strong enough to brush away a single line or two from a parody website.

People do not seem to get the idea that not everything on the Internet is serious. And besides, how sure are you of your town, if you get all flared up over a single webpage?

But that’s enough of that. I’m tired of typing words, and you’re tired of reading them. Let’s view a video of a man who thinks he can imitate a real reporter’s style as he valiantly defends the entire town of Telford from the horrors of a freely-editable website that purposely contains falsities.

The question the reporter leaves us with is “Does Telford really deserve the title of ‘Chav Capital of Britain’?” In fact, the more obvious question that should be on everyone’s mind as they approach the end of this video is, “Does anyone really care?” or, “What makes this guy think he can imitate a reporter’s voice when he doesn’t even have enough sense to stop talking when he’s turned away from the camera?” or, “Who told him that hairstyle would look good on video?”

Dear Telford: If you don’t like criticism, please turn off your Internets.

But we love it anyway.

While on IRC the other day, I was mentally assaulted by a limerick written by one of the Wikia staff.

The Doctor he thumps on our skull
To see if the innards are dull
He reports in his blog
That there’s nothing to log
Finding all of our thinkings are null

For those of you not paying attention, Dr. Skullthumper is my username on Uncyclopedia. And shame on you for not paying attention!

Humankind has a funny thing about searching for the Miracle Product – the secret ingredient we can add to anything (especially if there’s a version of it out on the market already) and make it ten times better.

For a time, that miracle product was radium, a radioactive element. Today, we wouldn’t go anywhere near it without some sort of expert reassurance that we weren’t going to be harmed. But in the past, it was put in everything. What’s the best thing since sliced bread? Why, radium sliced bread, of course!

Anyway, this article on ten radioactive products people actually used is pretty hilarious. Doesn’t it make you wonder, though, if we’re making a similar mistake with a chemical today, and we won’t realize its side effects until decades down the line? Maybe blogging causes cancer.

An Open Letter to the Internet

Dear Internet:

We’ve had some good times. We’ve had some bad times. We’ve had some times where you decided to drop shock images on my monitor and dumped viruses into my hard drive. I love you for who you are, I really do.

But please. There’s this one little thing you do that irks me. And it’s not the pop-up ads anymore, I’ve got those taken care of.

It’s the dollar sign.

See, you haven’t learned yet that the dollar sign goes before the number. Here, let me show you:

The dollar sign goes BEFORE the number. Please, for the love of God, we all know “dollars” is said after the number, but don’t express your money like this:

…it’s supposed to be like this.

NOT after the number. And most certainly not this:

Hello, redundancy much?

Let’s just stick to the formula.

The dollar sign goes before the number.

The dollar sign goes BEFORE the number.

THE DOLLAR SIGN GOES BEFORE THE NUMBER!

Man, if you can’t express your money right, you shouldn’t be allowed to handle it. If you know of anyone who has the delusion that, for some reason, the dollar sign goes somewhere after the number, you may want to point them to these handy diagrams. It’s a serious disease and needs to be treated immediately. These are also the sorts of people that leave CAPS LOCK ON, and think you can type LOL when you’re not really laughing out loud, the liars.

Please. Save the brain cells of the smarter population. Put the dollar sign before the number.