Well, I can’t sleep.

Instead, I’ve decided to replay every addicting Flash game I can think of in one sitting. Or at least, until I got bored enough to make a blog post. Which is what I’m doing. Hey, look, Devil Dogs.

Those were some good Devil Dogs. Heh, I just mistyped “dogs” and it came out “gods”. They’re not exactly the gods of food though. That’s more like sushi. Seriously. I got sushi at the mall the other day, and I said “thank you” to the guy in Chinese. And he was all like “ZOMG”, but he wasn’t “ZOMG” really because I don’t think they have a “ZOMG” in Chinese.

I really want sushi right now.

Except, if I had sushi, I’d try to eat it and fail. On account of it being dark, y’see, and I couldn’t aim for the stuff with chopsticks. I’d probably get that sauce stuff all over my new mac, too, and that would suck because I couldn’t use my computer OR enjoy the full extent of my sushi.

Never mind that though. I had a reason for writing this post, if only I could remember what it was.

Oh yeah, games suck. Did I mention that? I think I did. I’d spit at the games industry right now but I’m not sure what direction it’s in. It’s not like Mecca. I don’t know where the hell it is from my house. Then again I don’t know where Mecca is from my house, because that’s not my bloody problem, is it? I’m just saying, if I had to know where Mecca was, I’d probably know, but I don’t have to know where the games industry is so I don’t know where it is.

So here’s the related xkcd comic, because every post should have an xkcd comic:

This is pathetically true. And you know why? Because people like books.

Now, wait, wait a minute, it’s completely related. I’m sure you’re all like, but Chris, people don’t like books. Well guess what. They do. The cool people anyway. And do you know why people like books? Because you can pick them up and put them down anytime you like. Seriously. Try it, grab a book right now. Okay, now open the book up and read a paragraph. Now close the book.

SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS?

Now let’s compare that to playing LittleBigPlanet on the PS3.

First, I have to turn the fuckin’ console on. Then I have to insert the fuckin’ disc. Then I have to get WHATEVER ASSININE UPDATE SONY THINKS I REALLY REALLY NEED and wait for it to DOWNLOAD. That’s why my PS2 is right next to my PS3. When my PS3 downloads shit, I play my PS2. Here’s a hint, Sony: If I’m playing your older system because I think it’s better for some reason – this reason being that it doesn’t connect to the Internet and update itself practically every time I turn it on – it means YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG SOMEHOW. So where was I. Oh yeah. Then after all that shit, I can finally play the goddamn game.

Flash games rock because you can play them anytime you want. You just open up your browser and you play them. No updates. Hardly any loading times. And when you have to stop playing, you don’t worry about losing an hour of progress because most Flash games just don’t last that long. (And those that do, give you the capability to save or level-select. You know. Like a bookmark in a book.)

Open a tab, close a tab. It’s like picking up a book and putting it down. Simple and entertaining. And don’t even think about whining how books are more cerebral or for the more intelligent people or whatever. There are lots of Flash games out there that are really damn clever. And there are plenty of books out there that suck, too. In fact, the majority of them. I almost wish there were a Yahtzee for the world of literature, because that blows just as much as the game industry. Except no one wants to admit that, because then all of the people who call themselves writers would jump out a window or live on the streets or eat their own books or whatever the hell it is depressed writers do.

The printing press: Giving people the capability to churn out shit since 1439. Or something like that. Wikipedia says so anyway.

Back to Flash games, now. If you haven’t played it already, I’d like to introduce y’all to the Portal of Flash games. Like Portal, it takes a gameplay mechanic and not only generates increasingly complex puzzles, but it also generates fun. You know, fun. That thing you’re supposed to have when playing a game.

Also like Portal, this game has a single godlike “character” that pumps you full of sarcasm as you progress through it. It’s called Shift and I think you should play it right now, then play its sequels that I can’t be bothered to link just at the moment.

Five am is approaching with disconcerting speed and I still have one other thing to show you. It’s a game called You Have To Burn The Rope. Keep in mind that, if you get stuck playing the game, there are plenty of walkthroughs available. Here’s the game teaser trailer:

I thought it was pretty funny, but then again it’s really late and what do I know?

It’s getting harder and harder to perform copy-pastes, which means it’s probably time to go back to sleep. And no, that’s not because I’m retarded and missing keys. I’m on a mac, and apparently everything you press the “Control” key for on a PC, you have to press the “Command” key for on a mac. It’s taking a while to get used to. Oh, and where the hell are my Page Up and Page Down keys, Apple? I miss my Page Up and Page Down keys. Also, Home and End. They were good buddies.

It’s really dark and I can’t see the keyboard. Although, for another $200, I could have gotten a mac with a keyboard that lights up. Please, someone, explain to me why anyone would want that. I can type with two hands, thank you very much.

Well, I’ve had just about enough of Flash games for the night. Bedtime.

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