Here’s something I wrote in one of the Uncyclopedia forums after a sudden burst of sarcasm struck me. It’s based off of my username (Dr. Skullthumper) and another user (Cajek).

A week later, Cajek came bounding into my apartment, shouting, “SKULL! SKULL! SKULL!” as he tended to do.

“What? What? What?” I answered him back after my apartment had stopped shaking.

“I did it! I made the heart better! Oh, you should have seen it, Skull. We went down to the beach. We went swimming. I made sure I fed him every night, Skull. At first I tried chicken soup, but then I remembered that was for the soul. So then I was like, ‘hmm, what’s good for the heart’? And then this commercial comes on and it tells me Cheerios are good for the heart! So I fed him some Cheerios, and he’s looking a lot happier, he really is. It’s a happy heart now, Skull!”

“Fantastic, Cajek, you did it!” I took the heart from him. It was beating like crazy, hopping up and down inside the jar. “And now for the moment of truth.”

I unscrewed the jar’s lid and dumped the heart into Not Important’s body. It hopped right out again.

“Erm, that’s not supposed to happen,” I observed. I picked up the heart, put it back in, and it hopped out a second time.

“Skull, I don’t think it wants to go back,” Cajek said.

“Then we’ll make him go back! Stapler,” I demanded.

“But Skull!”

“Stapler!” I shouted.

“Skull, I loved that heart like a brother! You can’t staple him in!”


“Okay fine, Skull, you’re the boss,” Cajek said solemnly, handing me my trusty, manly-pink stapler. After a few quick staples, the heart was secured. I closed the man back up and tapped him on the head. Cajek looked on, his lower lip protruding.

“I’m awake, I’m awake already!” the old man rasped. “Where am I? What’s going on?”

“You’re on planet Earth, a blue-greenish planet inhabited by individuals that seem hell-bent on destroying it, even though I haven’t worked out what it did to them just yet,” I explained. “And you’re existing, that’s what’s going on. Seems to be the thing to do these days. Person’lly I think it’s overrated, but what the hey.”

“I… I feel better!” the old man exclaimed. “I feel better! You fixed me, Doctor! You fixed me!”

“Yes, I suppose I did,” I said.

“I feel like a little boy again. Oh!” the man said excitedly, holding a hand to one ear. “Is that an ice cream truck?”

Before either of us could stop him, the man bolted downstairs. He ran like lightning with his newfound enthusiasm. Cajek and I followed after him as we heard a screech of brakes and a thump. What met our eyes was a terrible scene.

“He got run over, Skull!” Cajek said. “Hey look! The heart!”

The old man’s heart escaped his body, bouncing around the road in joy. It beat off into the sunset. Cajek and I watched it go.

“I guess some hearts really are meant to be free,” I concluded, hopefully sounding philosophical and smart.


“Yes, Cajek?”

“If you take out my stomach, can I keep it as a pet?”

“No, Cajek.”

“Oh c’mon Skull! Stomachs make the coolest sounds. Like when it’s happy it goes gurglgurglgurgl and when it’s sad it goes grrrruuumn. We could learn to communicate, my stomach and I! That’d be fun!”

“No, Cajek. Go home. I’m going to go scare myself half to death.”

“How come?”

“Because I did what the fucking bastard asked, but then he had to go die on me! Oh, he’s not getting out of paying me that easily. No sir. Bastard. I’m gonna give chase, into the next world-like.”

“How are you gonna scare yourself half to death?”

“Look at a picture of Zombiebaron, of course. I mean, have you ever seen that guy? His face is uuuuuuug-ly!”