awk·ward [awk-werd]

6. hard to deal with; difficult; requiring skill, tact, or the like

Yup, that’s me, good old number six according to The world runs on specific social rules. It’s not that I don’t know those rules, it’s more that I choose to ignore them as much as possible, because people are more interesting out of their element.

It’s like lobsters, really. Sure, they’re blue, but once you catch ’em and cook ’em they’re red. The same with people.


Well, that was awkward.

Normally, I’m awkward-turtling by myself. Sometimes I blurt something out I shouldn’t have, sometimes I make weird noises, sometimes I make the most random comments imaginable.

For example, our cafeteria serves giant mushy chocolate chip cookies. I saw someone at the same cafeteria table that I was sitting at eating one, and scooted next to him.

“You eat your cookies rightside-up,” I observed.

“What do you mean?”

“Well there are mainly two types of people in the cafeteria. Well, actually, three, but two main ones: Those that eat their cookies upside-down, and those that eat their cookies rightside-up. See, you put forth all the effort into flipping over that cookie after you opened it so that you’d eat it rightside-up.”

“Well yeah, how else would I eat it?”

“Most people don’t bother to flip the cookie after it’s opened.”

“I think this is the right way of eating a cookie.”

“Why would they wrap it on the bottom side then?”

This was a new experience for me. I was awkward-turtling, but with his defense of cookie-eating, so was he. Thus began the first awkward turtle race I had ever seen. The winner, of course, weirded out the other person.

After discussing cookies, our conversation naturally turned to bestiality. There was some discussion about screwing cats. Something about goldfish, also.

At any rate, the bell rang before either of us could end our awkward turtle competition. A shame, really. He was a good awkward turtle racer.