It’s true. I just love to make fun of things, whether I like them or not.

For those of you who haven’t checked the page lately, this is another post in a series of posts where I’ve dumped all the stuff from my typing class onto my blog. So here’s the last part of our “summer camp” assignment: The newsletter.

Camp Jesus has been declared a success for the 15th straight year. Camp Jesus, named “the biggest miracle since the Resurrection” by priests everywhere, has had another fantastic year. Camp Jesus wishes to thank all its teachers, students, and God for the inspiration.

“It was a miracle for me,” said Johnny Bentham, 8. “At first I was like, well, Jesus is cool. Then I went to Camp Jesus and found out he’s awesome.” God Himself spoke to Johnny during a prayer class, and now Johnny can hear God “all the time”.

“He says things to me like what the weather’s going to be like tomorrow, or tells me to listen to a song and then plays it for me! Funny part is, I think He was talking to me all the time, but I wasn’t listening like Mommy says I should.” When asked if God was speaking to him right now, he said, “Naw, I can’t hear Him now. I can only hear Him near the radio.”

Another child with a life-altering experience was a little girl named Julie. Twelve-year-old Julie always dreamed of being a scientist, but Camp Jesus showed her the error of her ways.

“Now I know gravity is just God’s hands pulling down on me,” she explains. “Wow, he must be like an octopus or something! It’s really cool. And the cold and flu and stuff are caused by demons. Except for AIDS. That’s caused by being gay.”

All of the kids discovered that they love Jesus, and that Jesus loves them. Teachers played educational yet fun games with them, the most popular one being “Stay out of Hell.”

“The game goes like this,” explains one of the teachers. “You find a hill. All of the kids start at the top of the hill. Then the teachers shouts out something, like, ‘disrespecting your parents,’ and the kids have to raise their hand if they think it’s a sin. If they’re wrong, they go further down the hill, deeper into ‘Hell’. Although some of the kids figured out the trick, that everything’s a sin, even ‘being born’.”

Once again, Camp Jesus has proven itself to be not only a good time, but an educational time. Camp Jesus teaches your kids the fundamentals of being a fundamentalist.

Little Timmy, 7, summarized it best: “God loves me. That’s totally cool.”

If you want God to love your child, send money to Camp Jesus.

Send your child to Camp Jesus next year! We’re sure to have a good time in July 2009. Need more information? Check out our website at:

Or e-mail us at:

See you at Camp Jesus… or see you in Hell!