Yes, that’s right, June is Internet Safety Month. I just got the e-mail from i-SAFE.

June is Internet Safety Month, a month devoted to increasing awareness about safe and responsible online behavior.

Who knew? It’s Internet Safety Month, where you can learn to be protected from shock sites, phishing scams, AND REALLY FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE THAT COULD TURN YOUR FUCKING BRAIN INTO FUCKING COTTAGE CHEESE! YOU DICK, YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT INTERNET SAFETY MONTH, DID YOU? WANKER!

You won’t have to worry about being on the Internet again. During Internet Safety Month:

  • All porn sites will be shut down. Yes, that’s right. Looks like the subscribers are going to have to resort to embarrassing themselves by walking into a bookstore and buying the porn.
  • All phishing sites will be required to state clearly that they are out to get your password. Don’t worry about losing your password again! All phishing sites will have a clear warning put on them. On some i-SAFE compatible sites, you can even check which sorts of spam you want!
  • All people who enter the word “fuck” or any other curse word into Google Search will be immediately shot. To help ensure your safety, we can’t have all these perverts running around searching nasty things on Google search. Thanks to Google technology, we can now use Google Earth to locate and destroy the offender. You’ll be much safer with these terrible people out of the world.
  • All chatrooms will be monitored by 40-year-old, concerned mothers. It may even be yours. Using this method, i-SAFE hopes to guilt all chatroom goers into saying nothing they wouldn’t want their mother to hear.
  • Pirates will be disemboweled.
  • Pedophiles will be asked to kindly cease and desist, and perhaps take a cold shower, maybe even try a dating service.
  • RickRollers will meet death by hungry lion. Actually, that doesn’t sound too bad.
  • Websense will up its sensors. With any luck, 99.99% of the Internet will be blocked from schools. The other .01% will consist of weather.com, the “Frog” page on Wikipedia, and anything else allowed in China.
  • All webpages will be required to change their formatting to up the padding around the text. More padding = safer. Common knowledge.

But really, what’s the easiest way to stay safe on the Internet? i-SAFE recommends “Just don’t do it. Firewalls can break. AntiVirus programs sometimes don’t work, and you can get infected. The safest way is to just never do it at all. Concerned about losing your social life? Use the postal system.”

You can’t be FUCKING safe on the Internet, you ASSHOLES. It’s called “use common sense”.

Possibly unsafe, harmful link! Please put on your i-SAFE rubber gloves before clicking.

  • Maddox on Websense – a great article to read when you’ve just spent a good hour banging your head against that damn “blocked” page.
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