Have you ever wondered what would happen if philosophy became a profession, that you could just get paid for sitting around with a bunch of other philosophers debating? Well, first off, I’d be first in line. Although it would suck if I got fired because I couldn’t defend my own ideas. Or maybe they’d get paid by impressive quotation, who knows?

At any rate, what would a modern-day philosophy debate sound like? Or perhaps one where the philosophers had an off day?

Philosopher A: Let us conduct a philosophical inquiry into the subject of spacing.

Philosopher B: Spacing? Such as the space between the celestial bodies and how it may or may not have an effect on our daily lives?

Philosopher C: Hey, B! Correlation does not mean causation!

Philosopher A: No, no, not at all. [takes sip of tea] I mean the spacing in between sentences.

Philosopher D: If sentences exist at all!

Philosopher B: Quiet! [hits D over the head with a book of Descartes’s]

Philosopher A: Is it “correct” to use one space in between each sentence, or two?

Philosopher D: If correctness exists at all!

Philosophers A & B: Shut up!

Philosopher B: Well, I would say one space is sufficient. There’s a punctuation mark; what more information do you require to draw the conclusion that the sentence has ended? Nearly all sentences end in punctuation, it’s a reasonable conclusion.

Philosopher C: Correlation does not mean causation!

Philosopher A: But! It has been a grammatical law for years that all sentences have two spaces in between them.

Philosopher D: If space exists at all.

Philosopher B: That’s bloody brilliant. “Oh, but it’s been a law! Deary me, we shan’t go against the law.” The human eye does not care whether there is one space or two.

Philosopher A: I beg to differ! It is for aesthetic reasons; the human eye can tell how many spaces are in between sentences, and two spaces help them to discern one sentence from another, to make them entities unto themselves!

Philosopher B: What does it matter? In a few more years everything’ll be on the Internet anyway, and no matter how many spaces you type on the Internet it only comes out as one space!

Philosopher A: Oh really? Everything’ll be on the Internet?

Philosopher D: If the Internet exists at all.

Philosopher C: Where do you think porn comes from?


Philosopher E: Where’s the loo?